A big sigh….

20 Nov

From Tuesday

Today we finally met the doctor and confirmed, after 35 years of relative health, that I now have Crohn’s Disease. 

Honestly, I am having a real hard time with it.  I want to try this the natural way, but wonder if I am just prolonging the inevitable.  Will I eventually need the drugs to get through life?  I just don’t know.  I need a way to get the stress off, so it doesn’t cause more stress, which could cause the pain to come back even worse.  Yippeee!!!  Most people are cautiously supportive of me.  Today was tough though.  It just seems so overwhelming right now.  I truly feel that I can make a difference by adjusting my diet.  I’m not sure that I will NEVER need drugs.  But can’t I try, at the start of this, to do it without drugs?  Can’t I use this as an opportunity to learn how to eat healthy?  Is there any problem with that???  Sigh…..
Lord, help me to persevere through this.  Help me to take each day at a time.  I don’t want to dwell on how bad the next day might be, but rather focus on today.  Give me your words and your Spirit to guide me.  Give me wisdom as I look for answers.  Send me to the right doctor!!!  Assure me in my heart that what I’m doing is okay, and is according to your will.
I’m frustrated at this whole thing.  First, I do now think I may have had symptoms at least 3 years ago, and it was just shrugged off by the doctor as “menstral pain.”  But if that’s the case, I’ve had some pain in that part (lower right ab) since I was 12 or 13.  It has always been sensative, I just figured that was how life was.  Again, the doctors always just shrugged me off. 

I want to be strong again!  I have ALWAYS been the strong one!  I don’t want to be weak.  But….if that means gaining my strength in God, then is it not all worth it?
I cried at the sink while making dinner.  I was fixing a nice surprise for my family for family night.  It was my family night.  I made them a nice “finger food” dinner of cheese stuffed olives, quesadillas, oranges, popcorn, and of course chocolate chip cookies.  I ate soup.  Chocolate chip cookies, once my downfall, barely looked appealing.  I don’t want to put a single thing in my mouth that might cause pain.  But, I cannot live my life in pain, and fear. 
Yes, I have my moments of stomping my foot.  WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO ME, GOD???
But, I rest under His wings.  I trust in His shield.
I will get through this.  I will be okay.

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Posted by on November 20, 2009 in Crohn's Journal


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