Catching up

20 Nov

The following were written from Tuesday to Thursday of this past week.  I thought it was important to include them as it shows where I was, so that you can understand where I am now, and how I got here.

Tuesday night, 11:00 pm

crying again tonight.  i know it will be okay.  this is the toughest test yet.  i know how strong i became through the last one.  i know it will be okay.  the hardest is the doubts that are already coming regarding if i’m doing the right thing by not doing the drugs.  i feel so weak…..i know it will be okay.  god wants me to lean into his strength.  i know i will be okay.  now i just have to believe it to the depths of my heart.  crying again….off to bed…
This past 24 hours has been pretty rough.  We went to see the doctor and I was able to see my reports and actually see the pictures.  After that is when it sank in that I actually have a life-long illness.  Last night I tried to go to sleep, but just couldn’t.  I was anxious, crying, and just didn’t know what to do.  I emailed some friends, and their letters of support just made me cry more.  I stomped my foot, I’m sure,  a few times and asked God why this would happen to me.  It was so hard for me to understand how someone like ME could come down with this disease.  When I couldn’t sleep last night I turned the stove on to get the family room warm, and then I finally decided I must go to sleep and try to rest.  As I lay my head down, I knew I needed to stop my thoughts so Icould sleep, and so my stomach would calm down.  So, I started to recite in my mind the promises in God’s word.  I told myself that I was chosen, accepted, a Child of the Most HIgh God, that he dances over me, that he has a plan for me, He knew me before I was ever even a twinkle in my parents eye, that he rejoices over me, that I can rest under his wing, and hide behind his Rock.  As I fell asleep, those were the words on my lips, and on my heart.
This morning was still rough though.  I feel right now almost in a haze.  I walk around not really knowing what I’m doing.  My stomach aches a dull ache beneath the ribs.  But I am thankful that I do not have debilitating pain. 
I did realize some things today though.  First, that this test and refining process is the toughest I have gone through yet.  With my personality, it would be so easy to just take the pills and be done with it.  I always have in the back of my brain the thought that relief is just a phone call away, and of course the enemy is going to torture me by saying, “just make the call!”  But, I truly want to do this, at least partially, without drugs.  If I went straight for them I would use them as a crutch, and would not fully invest myself in the healthy eating I know I need to do.  But this journey is the harder path.  I need to be dedicated to following it through, and not go for the quick fix.  I also realized that God is drawing me deeper.  I felt it a month ago, I just didn’t realize this was how he would do it.  I also know that he would not put me through this if he didn’t already know that I would be okay.  3 years ago if this would have come upon me, I would have faltered, and been crushed beneath the weight of it.  As it is, my faith is not shaken, but my branches are swaying a bit. 
I think the biggest realization that came out of today was that I am in a grieving process.  I have always stood by and been proud of my health,  That I could be healthy when everyone around me was sick.  That physically, I was strong.  And now, to know that my body is failing me, is  a tough pill to swallow.  But, God is taking the one thing I know I am strong in, and he is peeling that away.  He is slowly teaching me to again be dependant on him, and not on my own strength.
So, I know that in the end it will all work out just fine.  I know that I will be so much better off.
But this first part in kinda like stepping in a really hot hot tub.  At first it feels like it’s burning you, but pretty soon you relax and enjoy the benefit.  It’s tough right now as I let go of my physical health.  As I go into the rest of my life with uncertainty about my health.  And of course, this makes me prone to fits of uncontrolled blubbering and crying!  🙂  But think about the grieving process.  You go through that time of loss, where you miss deeply the thing that is now gone.  But eventually, you pick yourself up and life goes on.  Yes, I am grieving.  Our human natures get comfortable with where we are, and when God draws us deeper and strips away what we were so comfortable with, of course it will hurt.  But we cannot fully become more Christ-like if we continue to hang onto what WE are so comfortable with.

I am so thankful for my friends as I go through this.  It is times like these that I need those people to lift me up in prayer and encouragement. 
I know my God has a plan to prosper me, and not to harm me.  He  will be glorified through this. 
I guess I am honored that he feels I am worthy of this task.

Just give me strength right now Lord, as I go through this grieving.

Today has been better.  My friends are surrounding me in love and prayers, and it helps!  I still had fits of crying and blubbering today, but in this grieving process, I understand.  I had a short burst of pain tonight that was intersting.  Again, it felt like the ones I’ve always had, and assumed it was my ovaries.  Maybe all these years it was a short flare-up?  Hmmm…..
I have joined a few forums, because I feel I need a place to talk with people who suffer from the same thing.  I still don’t know what my final path will be.  This disease, when you start to read what other people have gone through, is kinda scary.  I’m trying not to put much credence in all those stories, but they are from real people suffering from Crohn’s.  I pray that my life will continue on in health for many years.  Though, at times, I feel the old saying float back in my brain….”Today would be a good day for the Rapture.”  Yes, that thought used to get me, but now it’s just like an annoying bug that I swat away.  🙂  The journey ahead is long, and it seems very tough.  I know I will survive because of My God who will carry me. 
I slept for two hours, not moving, on my chair today!  Oh, I felt so refreshed after that.  My body and spirit are weak right now.  I could barely keep my eyes open this morning while reading my bible.  I feel right now a twinge in my lower right ab.  I wonder truly, is it the inflammation, or the other stuff? 
I am praying for wisdom and strength.  I need both for the short term, right now, with what life is bringing at me.  I also need it for the long term.
I hope that it is God’s will for me to do this without meds.
I think my kids are starting to realize that things are different now.  In Laura’s prayers she prayed for my tummy, and how hard it is now that mommy can’t eat chocolate and yummy other things.
I know I will get there.  It will just take time.  This next year will be tough, but I have confidence in my God.

He WILL carry me through.


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Posted by on November 20, 2009 in Crohn's Journal


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