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What do you see?

06 May

What do you see?

When you look at me, what do you see?

Do you see strength?  Purpose?  Energy?

Or…nothing at all?

What do you see?

Do you see the guts to press on, when my body screams to stop?

When we talk, do you notice when a gas cramp courses through me?

Do you feel the lightening-strike shooters that may course down my right side?

What do you see?

Do you catch it when my eyes are exhausted, and I have nothing left to give.

Yet I give you everything I can.

Do you see me struggle for breath sometimes, simply because even breathing takes more energy than I have?

What do you see?

Are you there with me in the bathroom, when my bowels cramp up and I breathe as I did when I gave birth to two kids?

Do you see the relief on my face when it passes away after a few seconds?

Can you see the confusion in my face when I look around the kitchen and have no idea what I can eat?

What do you see?

I bet you don’t see these things.

I bet you don’t see the pain.

The tired.

The confusion.

I bet you don’t see what’s going on, inside.

You can probably see the determination, if you look closely.

I’ve lived determined my whole life.

It’s what keeps me going.

It’s what keeps me upright.

It’s what puts one foot in front of the other.

It’s what puts a meal on the table for the family, even if I cannot eat any of it.

It’s what puts a smile on my face for my kids when they ask to play “just one more game.”

It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning.

Determination.

That’s likely what you see.

Because I won’t let you see the rest of it.

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Posted by on May 6, 2010 in Crohn's Journal

 

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