Do you really get it?

10 May

Do you really get it, how this Crohn’s has changed my life?  Do you?  Right now, I’m not so sure.  Reading labels is not something I can do at the grocery store when I have the time or happen to have the energy.  No.  It’s something I HAVE to do.  I guess I could just eat whatever I want.  It seems that other Crohnies do that.  But then where would I be?  Likely in the hospital, taking drugs, maybe having part of my gut removed.  Do you get it?  I don’t have a choice.  I CAN’T just eat whatever I want.  I MUST read labels and be very careful in how I make things.

Do you get how this has changed my entire life?  I used to be tired a lot, but that’s just who I was.  I got used to it.  But now?  Now I have to deal with crushing tiredness more often than I have the normal energy I love having.  I hate it.  I hate not having the energy to be who I know I am inside.   I hate the feeling of my eyes and head being heavy and my body not wanting to move at all.  I hate having to struggle to breathe because I am so tired.  Do you get it?

Do you get how this has affected me emotionally?  I’ve battled the blues before.  I’ve beaten them.  I don’t take drugs for them anymore.  Yet with this Crohn’s, it seems that everything inside me is going wrong.  Suddenly, I’m having to battle them again.  I’m having to remember my tools and tricks to get my brain out of that funk.  When it’s there, it not just emotional either.  That affects me physically as well.  I don’t want to eat.  I just want to sleep.  I take Valerian Root to calm myself down, to shut myself off at times.  I take St. John’s Wort at times on the slim hope that it will help.  I hate being here.  I don’t want to be here.

I want life back like it used to be.  Where I could create whatever I wanted in the kitchen and eat it.  Where I can actually go out to eat.  Taco Bell is calling me.  I haven’t answered that call for over 6 months.  I love Taco Bell.  I don’t want to have to worry about all of these things, day in and day out. 

Do you get it yet, how this has affected my entire being?  How I’m hungry yet there is nothing that I can eat in a kitchen full of food?  Sure, I can eat the bread.  Or the cereal.  Or the fruit.  But when things are not working inside of me, and when I have the determination right now and the willpower right now to not eat those things, can I really just grab something off the shelf?  Can I just go through the grocery store like I used to and not worry?  Can I just grab a can of veggies off the shelf at home and heat them up?  Can I just use any old jam and peanut butter for a PB&J sandwhich?  Can I eat haphazardly and not think about it?

Sure.  If I want gut cramps, gas, diarrhea, and more.  I guess I can eat whatever I want.  All it will do is cause even more damage to my gut.  It will only cause me distress and take away my ability that I have right now to actually live life.  It will just end up chaining me to my house, where I can reach the bathroom at a moment’s notice.  It will just take everything away that I have right now.  So sure,  I guess it’s no big deal.  I guess having Crohn’s really is nothing, and I should just relax about it all.

Do you get it yet?  Do you? 

I don’t think you do.

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Posted by on May 10, 2010 in Crohn's Journal


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