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3 am

28 Aug

Yes, it truly was around 3 am when I woke up this morning.  There is a great song these days that starts, “it’s 3 in the morning, and I’m still awake….”  That’s me!  I don’t usually wake up in the middle of the night, but of course this time it happens when I have a full day ahead of me.  😦

My coffee is brewing, and so I guess I’ll write……

The first problem I encountered when I woke up was a snoring husband.  I usually go to bed before him so I can sleep, and be blissfully unaware of the soft, annoying noises that he likely makes all night long.  So when I wake up in the middle of the night, I can choose to either nudge him and tell him to roll over, or just get up.  I chose the latter today.

The other thing that had me going was our daughter.  She is all of 7, almost 8, going on 14.  She is a very bright little girl, and has an independent (read stubborn…which I feel turns into determination as an adult!) spirit.  I feel that right now we are having to parent her with an iron fist, coupled with love.  Sometimes though, it just doesn’t seem to be working.  Like tonight, at the dinner table.  We’ve taught manners to both our kids, but our daughter just seems to “forget” a lot of times.  I’m at a loss as to what to do.  I brought home a huge cupcake from the food bank, one for each kid.  The kind that has a ton of icing.  A very special treat, indeed.  And what does my daughter do?  She spreads the icing all over her hands as if it were play dough, and were a game.  This to me is behaviour of a small child, not one who has been taught manners at a table.  But here I came around the corner to find this mess.  And it’s not the first time.  Needing to be firm, I didn’t spank, but I did express my displeasure, and then threw her treat away.  I feel that if she’s going to make a mess of things like that, then she doesn’t need to be rewarded by eating the rest of it.

Sigh……

As a parent, you want so badly for your child to “get it” with life.  You want to just love and spoil them, and turn a blind eye when they do foolish things. 

But I just can’t do that.

I want her to grow up to be a strong woman of God.  I want her to love life.  I want her to be happy and fulfilled.  If I don’t guide her in this process of growing up, who will? 

I love my girl beyond measure.  The song that was running through my  head?  That’s her life-song.  The end of the first verse and the chorus go like this:

I started writing, just what I’d say, if we were face to face.

I’d tell you, just what you mean to me

I’d tell you, these simple truths:

Be strong in the Lord and never give up hope

You’re gonna do great things

I already know!

God’s got his hand on you so don’t live life in fear

Forgive and forget but don’t forget why you’re here

Take your time and pray

These are the words I would say

Oh my love….I love you so much.  I want so much for you.  Tears fall down my face thinking of you, and all that you are.  I’m so sorry that I have to be firm, but it’s because I love you that I do these things.  Please hang on.  Don’t give up on yourself, or on me.  We are both learning how this works, being in a relationship.  I’ll keep working on my end.  But just remember…..

I will always love you.

And there is nothing that you could ever do that would change my love for you.

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Posted by on August 28, 2010 in Crohn's Journal

 

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