05 Nov

I’m awake, and it’s much to early for that.  I guess I feel…unsettled with life right now.  I’d like it to go one way or the other.  I really don’t care which, though if you ask me deep in my heart I’ll tell you a different story.  I just don’t like the uncertainty that our lives hold right now.  I wake up each day not knowing where I’ll be, and not sure of the schedule.  I am a detail person.  I like to plan.  I like to plan for the consistency that I believe my children need in such an unstable world.  Yet, I live a life right now that is inconsistent, and can and does change on a daily basis.  I need stability.  Right now, prayers seem like arrow prayers bouncing off the ceiling, though I do know that God hears me.  I know he’s not asleep.  I know he cares for me and loves me, and wants the best for me and my family.  I’d just like some more regularity in life.  Not like the steam rising from my coffee cup right now.  It goes this way and that way, but never in the same direction, just going where the wind from my breath seems to take it at that moment.  Thus is our lives, it seems.  Everything is up in the air.  I just want it to come back down to earth, and soon.

I’ll keep hanging on.  If I let go, I don’t know where I’ll land, and that’s not somewhere I wish to go.


Posted by on November 5, 2010 in Crohn's Journal


2 responses to “Unsettled

  1. heathereder

    November 5, 2010 at 3:15 pm

    Uncertainty is very difficult. The only thing in this life that IS certain is that it’s uncertain. 🙂 BUT, I very much know where you are right now, and while I have no wisdom, I will offer prayer and an ear to hear. Visualize a large rock in the ocean – there’s one in Oregon I always think of – it’s huge and black and stands tall. Every day the ocean comes in and swirls around it, but the rock never moves. It just stands there, unshaken. I think of Jesus that way – on days like you’re having, I picture clinging to that rock (Jesus) and just letting the water swirl. Be at peace knowing that the rock won’t move, and that when your kids see you clinging, they’ll learn to trust Him, too!!

  2. newfoundsun

    November 5, 2010 at 3:28 pm

    Thanks Heather! I know that rock. A great image to think on when the sand is swirling around you!


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