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Hearts

08 Jul

So, if you didn’t know, I’ve been on a very intense and energy draining trip this past week.  It has taken a lot out of me.  Food and sleep were scarce, and when I came home, my brain, and heart, were mush.

As I was getting my daughter ready for bed she found a $20 bill in the bathroom that I had left there when I cleaned out my traveling jeans.  I knew where it was, and what it needed to go to.  But when she found it, my wonderfully independent daughter claimed it, in a way, as her own, stating that I once said she could keep whatever money she found lying around.  Well, let’s just say that I set that record straight on that one, and told her she couldn’t keep it!  But, she wouldn’t drop it, and kept arguing with me about how she should be able to have it.  Remember…my mind was mush…..

I sent her upstairs, and then went after her.  And it was in those moments that, in my exhaustion, I said some words that I never wanted to say to her.  I NEVER want my kids to feel burdened by our money issues.  I NEVER want them to carry that chain around their necks, and so we have protected them in all that has been going on.  But in those moments I let slip that we don’t have a lot of money, and that that $2o needed to go to something very important, and that I was disappointed that she couldn’t trust me and just drop it, but instead chose to argue with me and try to claim the money for her own.  I will admit my mistake and say that I even mentioned this past trip, and how paying for all the things she got was not easy.

ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I did a sloppy cry, and couldn’t stop.  Then she said that I was making her feel like she had just killed someone and she should just throw the trophy that I bought for her at the gift shop out the window and how she can’t look at it and not remember my words.

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sometimes we don’t think before we speak.  And when we are exhausted, it can come out oh so wrong.  I have not stopped praying about my words tonight, asking for forgiveness and that they would be erased from her memory and that a seed will NOT be planted.

I asked my love what would get her mind to not think those thoughts every time she looked at the trophy, and she said that if we covered it in hearts it would help.  I immediately found construction paper and scissors sitting on her floor, and made a big one to sit at the base of the trophy.  I tucked her in, and kissed her goodnight, after we laughed and read together in our own version of a “make-up” session.

I then came downstairs, and made hearts.  And more hearts, and more hearts.  I think I have about 100 hearts that I’ve cut out, and here pretty soon I’m going to go cover her room in them.

I will do anything for my girl.  I messed up.

She wanted hearts.

By golly, I’m going to give her hearts.

I’m going to put them everywhere in her room so that when she wakes up in the morning, there is absolutely NO question that her mama loves her.  She’s going to look and see a physical example of that love.

And I’m going to keep praying that my words are never repeated in her heart, and that she will never think on them again.

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Posted by on July 8, 2011 in Crohn's Journal

 

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