20 Mar

It’s said in the Bible that if you have just a small amount of faith, anything is possible. I grew up with that verse, knowing it inside and out. And yet, I don’t think I really believed it until recently. I don’t know how the change occurred….what happened that flipped the switch inside of me to suddenly believe God for what He says in His word. But I do. I just… Him.

And yet, I find myself in a quandary. I find that I can believe for the big things, but sometimes have trouble for the little. A month ago I looked at a friend who was paralyzed on the right side and unable to speak after suffering a stroke, and said, “You are going to walk out of this hospital, and you’ll be fine.” I believed it to the core of who I was. There was no question in my heart that God would heal her. Ten days later she walked out of the hospital, and you wouldn’t know it by looking at her that anything had happened. God healed. Period.

I can believe for the healing. I can believe for the big things. I know God is going to take care of our house situation. I know that His plan is at work in our financial situation. I know that it’s going to be okay. I know that this Crohn’s is already taken care of by Him. I know all these big things are under His hand, and so I don’t have to worry about them. I DON’T worry about them.

Where I struggle though, and where I’m praying through right now, is to believe God in the small things. Namely….relationships. I’m asking God to strengthen my heart in the belief that He will fill that need within me.

It seems like such a trivial thing, when compared to praying and believing for healing or a roof over your head. I mean….HELLO!…’s just people, right? You can live without them, right?

And yet, I find myself surrendering over and over and over again the people in my life, and my “right” to relationship.

God made us for fellowship. He made us for relationship. He made me, for goodness sakes! Why is this so hard for me….to believe that He is going to work all things for His good in the relationships in my life? That He is going to put the people in my life that I need?

Because I have been hurt by people. We all have. Each and every one of us can point to at least one person that stuck a dagger in our heart so deep we never thought we’d ever get it out. Betrayal, rejection, anger, pain….these are all things that happen in relationship. People hurt us. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

So, that’s where my struggle with faith is, and what I’m praying for, right now. I want to believe God and have a deeper faith that He will fill me with the relationships that He knows I need. Not the ones I want……those come from my heart and, while not necessarily bad, might not be in His design.

But to have faith and believe that He will supply me with ALL my needs….including the deep need in my heart to be known….takes a whole lot of work. It means being patient while He sets up the situation. It means being alone for a time……probably one of my greatest fears. It means depending on HIM, and only HIM, to fill my heart and my needs. Yes, He puts people in our lives to be in relationship with, to grow us, to minister to us. But in the end, what I’m learning, is that only HE knows my need at any given moment, and only HE knows how to fill that need. Sometimes it will be with a friend who sits and listens. Other times it will be in silence and prayer with only HIM to listen.

Either way……I’m learning to trust Him in this. I’m learning to let Him fill me up. I’m learning to trust Him in the people He puts in my life, and the level of relationship He wants me to have with those people.

I believe for the physical needs so easily.

Lord, help me believe on that same level, and deeper, that you will also take care of my heart needs.

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Posted by on March 20, 2012 in Crohn's Journal


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