20 May

I have found these past two months that I’ve learned how to cheat.  At eating.  And it’s not entirely good.  Though….I must say, it’s not bad all the times in terms of pain.  It used to be that, when I would cheat (which in the first 2 years of treating Crohn’s with diet and natural medicine was almost nil), I would get some severe gas pains pretty soon afterwards.  After hitting the 2 year mark, I decided to give myself some leeway in terms of food.

Now, bread, I’m still good at.  I don’t eat hardly any starches in the way of rice, breads, crackers, etc.  They just don’t appeal to me anymore.

My weakness is, and always has been, baked goods.  Give me a chocolate chip cookie, or cake, or muffin, and I’m there. 

The problem now is that my shut-off valve is completely non-existent.  I can say NO pretty easily to these treats, and just not go there.  But once I start, I cannot stop.  Seriously.  All self control is simply….gone. 

To make matters worse, my body seems to, at times, not be in pain after these cheating episodes.  This is very bad for me.  When I know I’m going to be in pain, it’s easier to say no.  But when I don’t have much pain, well….what’s to stop me???

It’s a turkey shoot really, if my body will react badly.  That’s not the danger part though.  I have a pretty high tolerance, and so the pain I can usually just breathe through until it passes.

The bad part is what cheating does on the inside.  It’s the slow death of my intestines that will hurt me, in the end, if I’m not careful.  It was easy to take everything out of my diet before in order to get healthy.  The danger here is that, if I don’t stop or watch what I’m doing, the bad bugs will slowly eat away at my gut and then I’ll find myself right back where I started.  Only, getting healthy will be that much harder.

There are times where I sigh, and wonder if it wouldn’t just be better to take the magic pill that would allow me to eat anything I want.  But then, there are the side-effects of that, and the underlying question of if I’m really all that much more healthy.  I don’t think I would be, though it would be nice to eat more stuff.  I guess it’s a trade-off.  Healthy body for life instead of the instant gratification a certain food might bring.

And yet again I find myself saying….I need to get back to what I know. 

Easier said than done.

I need to find my “No” again.

Especially to those drat baked goods that look so amazing, and taste even better.  🙂

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Posted by on May 20, 2012 in Crohn's Journal


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