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Category Archives: Crohn's Journal

June 27

June 27, 2013

“We wait in hope for the Lord; he is our help and our shield.”  (Psalm 33:20)

Thoughts:  We wait not in despair or anger, but instead with an eager hope for all He will do.

Truths:  God is my Rock eternal in whom I will choose to put my hope.  I woke up weepy, feeling torn apart and alone.  I opened my bible straight to this.  HE is my hope, my strength, and my shield.  I trust in HIM.

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Posted by on October 21, 2013 in Crohn's Journal

 

Cheating

I have found these past two months that I’ve learned how to cheat.  At eating.  And it’s not entirely good.  Though….I must say, it’s not bad all the times in terms of pain.  It used to be that, when I would cheat (which in the first 2 years of treating Crohn’s with diet and natural medicine was almost nil), I would get some severe gas pains pretty soon afterwards.  After hitting the 2 year mark, I decided to give myself some leeway in terms of food.

Now, bread, I’m still good at.  I don’t eat hardly any starches in the way of rice, breads, crackers, etc.  They just don’t appeal to me anymore.

My weakness is, and always has been, baked goods.  Give me a chocolate chip cookie, or cake, or muffin, and I’m there. 

The problem now is that my shut-off valve is completely non-existent.  I can say NO pretty easily to these treats, and just not go there.  But once I start, I cannot stop.  Seriously.  All self control is simply….gone. 

To make matters worse, my body seems to, at times, not be in pain after these cheating episodes.  This is very bad for me.  When I know I’m going to be in pain, it’s easier to say no.  But when I don’t have much pain, well….what’s to stop me???

It’s a turkey shoot really, if my body will react badly.  That’s not the danger part though.  I have a pretty high tolerance, and so the pain I can usually just breathe through until it passes.

The bad part is what cheating does on the inside.  It’s the slow death of my intestines that will hurt me, in the end, if I’m not careful.  It was easy to take everything out of my diet before in order to get healthy.  The danger here is that, if I don’t stop or watch what I’m doing, the bad bugs will slowly eat away at my gut and then I’ll find myself right back where I started.  Only, getting healthy will be that much harder.

There are times where I sigh, and wonder if it wouldn’t just be better to take the magic pill that would allow me to eat anything I want.  But then, there are the side-effects of that, and the underlying question of if I’m really all that much more healthy.  I don’t think I would be, though it would be nice to eat more stuff.  I guess it’s a trade-off.  Healthy body for life instead of the instant gratification a certain food might bring.

And yet again I find myself saying….I need to get back to what I know. 

Easier said than done.

I need to find my “No” again.

Especially to those drat baked goods that look so amazing, and taste even better.  🙂

 
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Posted by on May 20, 2012 in Crohn's Journal

 

Press on….

Three weeks ago I decided to spend an intentional hour each morning reading and praying before my household woke up. I wanted to draw deeper, and closer, to God. I also just needed His strength, provision, and Word in some areas of my life. I was already getting up early and reading the Bible each morning, but my prayers would oftentimes be short and quick because I would be thinking of getting to the computer and checking in on the world. I wasn’t truly giving my whole mind to the time I was spending with Him. I wanted to put a boundary on myself, and be honest and faithful to God with my time.

Boy, it’s amazing the things that have come against me in the past 3 weeks! Exhaustion, sickness, busyness, depression…..oh my goodness! When I set out to do this I had no idea the lengths the enemy would go to to keep me from my appointment time with God. I think the toughest to battle against has been the exhaustion. Each morning, as another night would go by without the sleep I needed, it was harder and harder to drag myself out of bed in the morning. What took me only 20 minutes to read 3 weeks ago is now taking me almost twice that because my eyes can’t hardly focus on the page.

But I find myself one night away from my 3 week goal. I must say, even with the struggles, I have loved it. I love the quiet of my house, and I love getting to know the Word better. I love the story. I’ve had so many times in my life when just the right scripture has been read at the exact moment I needed it to be. This time has been no different. Encouragement is only a page away…..

Why do I say all this, late at night, when I should be in bed so I can get up tomorrow??? 🙂

I guess as a word of encouragement to press on. When we decide to draw closer to God, the enemy has a hissy fit. He really doesn’t like what we are doing at all! And he’s going to put all sorts of blocks in our way to try and make us stumble. Those things we wish were never in our lives again…suddenly start popping up. But it’s in those times of struggle that we need to draw even closer to our God. We need to lean in to him, like you would lean into a strong wind. If we let all the little things get to us, or get down at ourselves for failing at the task, then the enemy has won.

I myself don’t want to give that to him, so I put my foot down! I say, “BE DONE!” and “BE GONE!”

So if you are struggling, tired, depressed, sick, whatever….what are you waiting for? Are you tired of being beat up yet? Then PRESS ON! Keep going. Don’t let the little things get you down. Don’t even let the big things get you down. Why not?

Because God has got them ALL under control…..big or little.

Press in to Him…..and see how He will meet you where you need Him most.

 
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Posted by on March 23, 2012 in Crohn's Journal

 

Faith

It’s said in the Bible that if you have just a small amount of faith, anything is possible. I grew up with that verse, knowing it inside and out. And yet, I don’t think I really believed it until recently. I don’t know how the change occurred….what happened that flipped the switch inside of me to suddenly believe God for what He says in His word. But I do. I just…..trust Him.

And yet, I find myself in a quandary. I find that I can believe for the big things, but sometimes have trouble for the little. A month ago I looked at a friend who was paralyzed on the right side and unable to speak after suffering a stroke, and said, “You are going to walk out of this hospital, and you’ll be fine.” I believed it to the core of who I was. There was no question in my heart that God would heal her. Ten days later she walked out of the hospital, and you wouldn’t know it by looking at her that anything had happened. God healed. Period.

I can believe for the healing. I can believe for the big things. I know God is going to take care of our house situation. I know that His plan is at work in our financial situation. I know that it’s going to be okay. I know that this Crohn’s is already taken care of by Him. I know all these big things are under His hand, and so I don’t have to worry about them. I DON’T worry about them.

Where I struggle though, and where I’m praying through right now, is to believe God in the small things. Namely….relationships. I’m asking God to strengthen my heart in the belief that He will fill that need within me.

It seems like such a trivial thing, when compared to praying and believing for healing or a roof over your head. I mean….HELLO!…..it’s just people, right? You can live without them, right?

And yet, I find myself surrendering over and over and over again the people in my life, and my “right” to relationship.

God made us for fellowship. He made us for relationship. He made me, for goodness sakes! Why is this so hard for me….to believe that He is going to work all things for His good in the relationships in my life? That He is going to put the people in my life that I need?

Because I have been hurt by people. We all have. Each and every one of us can point to at least one person that stuck a dagger in our heart so deep we never thought we’d ever get it out. Betrayal, rejection, anger, pain….these are all things that happen in relationship. People hurt us. Over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again.

So, that’s where my struggle with faith is, and what I’m praying for, right now. I want to believe God and have a deeper faith that He will fill me with the relationships that He knows I need. Not the ones I want……those come from my heart and, while not necessarily bad, might not be in His design.

But to have faith and believe that He will supply me with ALL my needs….including the deep need in my heart to be known….takes a whole lot of work. It means being patient while He sets up the situation. It means being alone for a time……probably one of my greatest fears. It means depending on HIM, and only HIM, to fill my heart and my needs. Yes, He puts people in our lives to be in relationship with, to grow us, to minister to us. But in the end, what I’m learning, is that only HE knows my need at any given moment, and only HE knows how to fill that need. Sometimes it will be with a friend who sits and listens. Other times it will be in silence and prayer with only HIM to listen.

Either way……I’m learning to trust Him in this. I’m learning to let Him fill me up. I’m learning to trust Him in the people He puts in my life, and the level of relationship He wants me to have with those people.

I believe for the physical needs so easily.

Lord, help me believe on that same level, and deeper, that you will also take care of my heart needs.

 
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Posted by on March 20, 2012 in Crohn's Journal

 

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Task vs. People

I took a test quite a few years ago that was supposed to tell us if we are task-oriented or people-oriented.  It might (or might not!) surprise you….but I came up high on the “task-oriented” side.  Back then, I was totally driven by the goal at hand….what needed to be done to accomplish a task, regardless of who was in the way.  And, if I’m honest, I’ll tell you that I still come home to the “list.”  Give me a problem and ask me to find all the points necessary to solve it, and I’m good to go.  Hand me a list and ask me to follow it to completion, and I’m heaven.  My brain just tends to relax when given a task that I can organize through and complete.  In my core nature, I am a detail person. 

But…..I’ve worked very hard over the years to be more balanced in the task vs. people debate.  I realized years back that it’s not all about the end, but also what’s encountered in the middle, that counts.  People matter, and I want to be sensitive to the people side of things.  So many times we (and I’ve been guilty of this in the past) can go so fast towards a goal we forget about all people we encounter along the way.  And yet, if we slow down and take a moment with someone that God places in our path at that exact moment, the blessing received (or given) can often be more satisfying than completing the task at hand. 

The one thing that bothers me the most about this Crohn’s is the lack of energy.  Yes, I can push my way through just about anything, and not many people will see the tiredness in my eyes at any given moment.  But what I really dislike is that, in those moments of extreme tiredness, I go back to the “list.”  Sometimes it is the only way I can make it through the day….to create a list of things to get done and work my way through it.  Last night, my daughter hugged me and her heart was tender.  The past two days have been filled with exhaustion, and lists.  I could feel her heart, and she needed mommy to be done with the lists.  I stopped, took a moment, and reconnected with her heart.  The exhaustion of this disease got to me, but in the process I forgot to take care of my kids’ hearts. 

Not a big ouch, but still…..

It just reminds me that, even with being tired or not feeling well, I cannot ignore the people that are given to me at any given moment.  We do not know when they will be called home.  Yes, I can still work on my “lists” in order to get done the stuff that needs to get done.  But I need to be sensitive to the hearts of those I encounter.  I need to wait on God, and listen for His voice, guiding me in the direction He needs me to go at that moment.  He’s not going to send me around the world when I am already exhausted. But He can and will use my heart, my smile, my words, my….whatever in order to accomplish His goal in someone’s heart.

I’ve learned a better balance over the years of task vs. people.  Now….it’s just allowing God to use both of those in my life, for His glory.

 
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Posted by on March 15, 2012 in Crohn's Journal

 

Taking a break….

Well folks, it’s been fun. But, it’s time to take a break from this blog. It served it’s purpose…to journal my initial journey with Crohn’s and how I dealt with it naturally, and how I’ve come back to life through the diagnosis. Now, I just need to take this off my plate, and not feel the pressure to write. I will continue, at some point in time, to journal here. But right now, I’m frankly bored of writing about Crohn’s, and am having difficulty finding my writing voice for other things.

So, I’m placing this blog on hold.

I may still write an occasional entry….when things come. And please, feel free to use this blog as a resource for yourself or others you know who are desiring to treat diseases naturally. I’ve blogged my entire journey, from the first moment I found out the diagnosis of Crohn’s, in the hopes that it will continue to give people courage to look beyond what’s in front of them and dig deeper.

I hope that you will stop back by, in a couple of weeks or so, to see if I’ve come back. I have lots of words that I want to share. I simply need to take the time and ponder and pray about how to reshape this blog for what’s on my heart.

Until then…thank you for reading, and may God bless your own journey through this life with all that He desires to give you.

 
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Posted by on February 6, 2012 in Crohn's Journal

 

Stuck!

Oh, this was soooo not good.  I was asked to substitute Kindergarten in the morning today, so I only packed a small snack of almonds and not a full lunch, thinking I would be home and have some soup.  I was only at school for an hour when I was asked to sub for a 6th grade teacher in the afternoon that had an emergency.  Of course I said yes, but that left me needing to have energy enough to teach for an entire day….on just a handful on almonds.  Overall, that doesn’t sound like a bad day.  But…..I of course needed more fuel for my body…coffee wouldn’t get me all the way through….and then the donuts showed up.  A girl in the 6th grade class had a birthday, and the treats her parents brought in were maple donuts.  Yep….that’s not good for me!  I tried to resist, and actually told the guy I could only eat a little.  He said to take a whole one because the rest would just be thrown away.  So, I took a full doughnut.  I ate half.  Then had some coffee, applesauce, and carrots.  I could have survived on just that.  But….the other half of the doughnut just stared at me on the desk.  I finally couldn’t say no, and ate the rest.  It was oh so good….but I can feel a bit of cramping going on now, a few hours later.  I knew I would pay the price, but…part of me wants to say it was understandable….I had to get through the day, right???  But, in reality, it won’t be worth it.  In the short-term, with my body, and in the long-term, with my willpower to resist, knowing I’ve broken down yet again.  I got through the day, but at what price?  I guess we’ll see later tonight and tomorrow.  I have learned my lesson though.  I will get some granola bars that I know I can eat, and will keep them in my car for those moments I am away from home, and need to get something to eat.  I can’t turn down work, but need to make concessions for my diet needs.

 
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Posted by on February 1, 2012 in Crohn's Journal